why is it so hard to end things with a guy u like so much... i was soo close in ending things but i cant cus i love him too much and it sucks. i really dont want to like him anymore. It hurts so much to like him that i dont even think its worth the happiness anymore.... So much for spending my first valentines day with a guy. i always spend it with my mom but this time i was going to spend it with him. I had work from 6-10pm and he couldnt even visit me so he promised to take me to dessert after but he failed to do that because he said he was too tired and wanted to sleep. So i just bought food from safeway and ate it at his house. He then promised me again to spend the WHOLE day tomorrow. We got breakfast and walked around ghirardelli square only for 30 mins to find out that he need to go to berkley to pick up stuff. He said we'll meet in santa cruz and we'll have dinner and watch valentines day. An hour passed then another and another and it was 9pm... who eats at 9pm? he came home to tell me that he had to wait on the people to pick stuff up... he would wait on other people but he would never wait on me. sometimes i feel like i do so much and im not even appreciated.... i made him chocolate strawberries that took freaking hours to make cus i kept messing up... and a simple card for valentines day would be nice or just hang out with me the whole day i would be happy but in the end nothing... maybe i am doing too much that he became comfortable with everything and expect me to do everything for him... he knows i love him so much that i would never end things with him and he just feels like he can treat me like shit.... sometimes i wonder why did i give up so many guys that would appreciate me and love me for a guy that doesnt even care.... i dont wanna feel this way anymore... I WISH I DIDNT HAVE FEELINGS ANYMORE UGHHH =[ i never wanna spend valentines day with a guy for the rest of my life. i had more fun spending it with my mom.

mannn i cant sleep! for some reason i keep waking up around 5am and cant go back to sleep and i go to bed around 3am... its been so frustrating lately.... i dont know if its better to be with someone or not... when ur not, u want to be with someone but when you are you dont wanna be with him because it hurts and its frustrating!! it wouldnt be so bad if the guy only like you, but no i have to wait around for him to get over his ex before we can be together. even tho he told me he told his ex that he chose me or whatever he still has feelings for her... why do i keep feeling like second best when i shouldnt have to feel this way... i try to leave many times but its so hard to do... when im with him i just have to pretend im happy that everything is okay when everything is not... when i bring up about how i feel he gets mad that i do because he said hes making an effort to change and im just discouraging him.. how can i believe him if he has a history of lying to me... i mean if you still have feelings for ur ex after all these years it has to mean something right? why are u with me then if you're not over her. i rather have you go back to her than having me and have feelings for her... now im always paranoid that you're still talking to her or hanging out with her while im at work cus thats what he has done before... i dont ask for much, all i ask for is for the guy to be loyal and be there for me... is that so much to ask for? i always try to be the best i can be but to him it seems like its not enough that he would still have feelings for his ex.... if u wanna get over your ex why would you wanna keep talking to her i just dont understand... i feel like until i can get over this or leave him then i can finally get some real sleep cus lately thats all ive been thinking about... i sacrificed so much for this guy and it doesnt seem like he even care much... sometimes i feel like he is only with me cus he sees me all the time... what if he saw her all the time what if she was in santa cruz, he might be with her instead.... i feel like no matter what i'll always be just 2nd best... im goin out of my mind at 9 in the morning with 2 hours of sleep!!! im always happy when hes physically here, but when he's not with me i start thinking all these crazy things like what if hes with her or talking to her... i dont know if i can keep doing this.. its physically and mentally draining... im scared to even talk to him about it anymore cus he gets all irritated and mad when i bring it up like i dont appreciate him trying to rebuild the trust with me but at the same time how can u get mad when you're the one that fucked up ughhh IM GOING SHOPPING TO RELEASE MY STRESS!! I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS PLACE AND GO TO HONG KONG!!!